Earning Season

Here’s my hilarious take on the news from the investing world:

Doordash stock surged 5% on Q1 beat? Wow, it seems like everyone’s ordering in nowadays. Are people getting lazier or are they just too busy trading stocks to cook?

Apple beats revenue and profit estimates on iPhone sales growth. I guess people really are addicted to their phones. And here I thought it was just me.

Lyft reports Q1 revenue beat but shares plunge 10% on weak outlook? That’s what happens when you try to compete with Uber. Should’ve just stuck to hitchhiking.

Mercadolibre shares slide despite Q1 profit and revenue rising. Hmm, maybe if they added free shipping, they’d have better luck. Just a thought.

Belgium’s Bpost core profit falls slightly less than expected. Hey, at least it didn’t fall more than expected. Small victories, people.

Austria’s RBI Q1 net profit up better than expected. Maybe if they made their profits sound more exciting, their stocks would be up even more. “RBI Q1 net profit up better than a rollercoaster ride!”

Stanley Black & Decker results mixed as revenue impacted by lower consumer and DIY volume. Looks like people are finally realizing they’re not as handy as they thought they were. Time to call a professional.

Raymond James cuts estimates on Revolve Group following 1Q miss. And here I thought Revolve was a clothing company, not a baseball team.

Wingstop downgraded at Citi as cracks are forming in US macro. Cracks in the US macro? Sounds like they need some lotion. Might I suggest some Wingstop sauce?

Moncler’s sales up 23% in first quarter, beating expectations. I guess people really do love their puffy jackets. Who needs mobility when you have warmth?

Kellogg tops earnings estimates following North American cereal rebound. Finally, someone’s eating their Wheaties. Or Frosted Flakes. Or Special K. Or any of the other thousand cereals they make.

Ferrari says core earnings rose 27% in Q1 on increased shipments, pricing. Maybe if they made a car that could fly, their profits would be even higher. Just a suggestion.

Wall Street analysts lift Verisk Analytics following earnings revenue beat. And here I thought Wall Street was supposed to be unbiased. Looks like someone’s getting a bonus this year.

Moderna Q1 earnings revenue surprisingly tops consensus estimates. Now if only they could make a vaccine for the stock market.

Synaptics shares tumble 21% on profit warning, analysts remain optimistic. Ah, the classic “it’s not as bad as it seems” argument. You can’t fool me, analysts.

Enviva crashes 55% after slashing outlook, eliminating dividend. Looks like someone forgot to say “knock on wood” when they were making their earnings projections.

Royal Caribbean’s Q1 boosted by better-than-expected demand. I guess people really missed getting seasick on a giant boat with thousands of strangers.

Datadog adds 7% as solid Q1 results yield an outlook boost. Just 7%? Someone needs to tell Datadog to up their game. Maybe offer free bones to investors?

Paramount plunges on weak results, massive dividend cut. Looks like someone forgot to take their vitamins this quarter.

Shopify soars 17% on plans to cut 20 jobs, sell logistics business. Who knew downsizing could be so profitable? Maybe that’s why they’re called “cuts” instead of “losses.”

Equinor’s Q1 profit beats forecast. I guess oil really does make the world go round. Or at least, it makes investors go round and round.

Peloton posts wider-than-expected loss